estimated reading time: 8-10 minutes

I have an interesting relationship with photography. At its simplest form, it’s an archival tool that has helped preserve history on every scale, large and small. It helps create memories, it corroborates evidence, and it’s also a surveillance tool. At its height, photography is an art form that continues to be democratized as the technology evolves, but few wield the talent and hard work to make it their full-time job.

When I was a kid, I remember asking for a digital camera for Christmas. Thanks to my parents who save everything I’ve ever made, I was able to find that letter from 2008.

I have always been interested in cameras of any kind, and I believe this interest was sparked from my parents. You see, if you’ve been to my parent’s home, there’s a lot of stuff everywhere. My parents aren’t hoarders, everything is extremely organized and labeled by date (that’s my mom’s doing). But they saved EVERYTHING - all my bad art projects as a kid, all my music stuff, homework, even grosser things like my baby teeth (eugh). But the photos…there’s so many photos. Physical albums, photo books from when the transition from digital photography moved towards iPhone photography, and lots of framed portraits. My family used to be the family that would get family photos every year, and these are prominently displayed in our home. Pristine artifacts of a different time, I suppose.

Even just looking through the old wish lists I wrote, you could tell that I was very specific about my wants, but also overly sensitive. You can see it in the 2010 letter, I said “I hope you [Santa] can get some of this.” Other letters said things like “I think mommy wants an Ann Taylor gift,” or “It’s ok if you don’t get everything.” These aren’t direct quotes, but they’re a spot-on paraphrase of what my mind was on as a kid.

In a way, my old Christmas wish lists were not just a reflection of childhood desires, but my parent’s interests. Entertainment is highly valued in our home - which is why physical media was always a priority. So is cooking - my mom, sister and I all received kitchen equipment of some kind. When finances became tough for my parents post-2008, I stopped asking for a lot of things because I felt guilty for possibly being a burden on my parents (classic eldest sibling behavior). My guilt is actually perhaps the largest overarching theme through my letters, so I had to stop reading them unfortunately. Truth be told, besides the portraits that hang in my childhood room, I can’t look at things I made as a kid anymore, because I start crying and I can’t stop.

But back to photography - I had a fascination with it, and I enjoyed taking photos when I was young. I likely asked for a camcorder not because I wanted to operate it, but because I knew my dad wanted to record videos of me performing - those are all saved on tape now, and trapped in a limbo where I’d have to digitize them (a project for another time, perhaps). But a camera was something I could use as a kid, and I did receive that gift - it was some old Canon camera that has long since been donated.

Surprisingly, Facebook is the only place where I uploaded exactly one album of photos that predates my phone camera usage, and that’s for the first ever music festival I participated in 2010. So I likely used this camera that was a previous Christmas gift, and took it with me to San Marcos. (This album is private btw, don’t go looking for it).

As I got older, smartphone cameras became the newly coveted object, so like everyone else, when I received my first smartphone (an iPhone 3GS in the 8th grade), I became obsessed with taking photos of three things: myself, nature/outside things, and food LOL. As social media developed, so did the accessibility of camera photography, and I took a lot of photos that have since been lost.

I assert the statement that smartphone cameras and social media sparked, and subsequently murdered my interest in photography altogether. My obsession morphed from taking photos of moments that made me happy, to scrutinizing the quality of camera, and feeling shameful of old, shitty quality photos. I also became negatively obsessed with my appearance, as photo editing and filters became more commonplace. Nothing I’m describing is particularly groundbreaking, but again, it is a reflection of the times. I ended up developing some really nasty habits as I became a heavy social media user, eventually succumbing to an extreme digital addiction that has marked much of my adult life. (Perhaps a topic for a different time).

One of those habits that I developed were these manic “episodes” where I would suddenly become extremely aware of the digital footprint I was leaving behind, and so I would start erasing everything in an effort to retain privacy. I have complicated feelings towards this - I don’t feel regret about all the lost memories, really, but occasionally I’ll mourn that loss. Sometimes things are not meant to be archived forever. But I think that my past self was very good at self-evaluating and censoring the things that should not have been preserved (mostly the dark stuff that should be kept locked in a mental safe). But the most hopeful thing I can say of all of this, is that I always photographed my happiness. I captured a lot of important moments in my life that were absolutely meant to be preserved, long after I remembered what they were. And I’m incredibly grateful that I learned this through my parents, who have always been quietly taking kinda-bad photos and videos to help us remember who we used to be.

Two years ago, I used my adult money to purchase a small Polaroid Go camera to photograph all the upcoming trips I had planned that year. I also used it to photograph some concerts, birthday parties, really anything that was special and out of the ordinary. I still have it, but it is a modernization of previous technology, which has its pros and cons. I like that I can charge it with a micro-USB charger, for example, but film is expensive. But I’ve started to display my small squares in my apartment, and it makes for a nice souvenir to give to people (provided that the film doesn’t get fried during TSA screenings, which has happened).

This year, I asked my dad for a solid state drive for Christmas. I was very lame this year and sent my parents an email of what I wanted for Christmas - my siblings had more elaborate letters than I did. I have forgotten the whimsy of Christmas lists, and that’s on me. But I also quietly purchased a used Canon SureShot Z155 off eBay for myself, just today. I’ll have to get 35mm film for it at some point, but I have more trips next year, so I’ll have a reason for shooting again.

I have no desire to shoot photos for social media anymore. I’m tired of curating a gaze that is pleasing towards other people, and I resent that the Internet has made us feel this way. I also don’t consider myself a good photographer at all, just FYI. Like, I have a basic intuitive understanding of composition and lighting. But I don’t read books, I don’t really care to learn more about how to take better photos and invest in better equipment. I do what makes me happy, whether that be taking group photos, food photos, photos of cool birds I’ve seen, etc. I would rather pay someone to take amazing portraits of me, and to be completely honest: my dream is to hire an editorial photographer and pose in styled outfits like I’m going to be published in a fashion magazine. I know I’m no model - my parent’s genetics built me to be soft and pliable okay, I’m basically the texture of human Play-Doh. But I have the utmost respect for photographers who do experimental photos, as well as good portraits, and I’d much rather pay for their services and feel beautiful, than churn out some shoddy AI slop that is poorly composed and oddly lit.

Photography for me has always been a hobby, and it’s a hobby I return to time and time again. Perhaps if I have more money, I’ll invest in a used digital camera and start being that obnoxious prick that carries around multiple cameras. Use the film camera for slower, intimate moments, and the digital camera for friends to click through. The iPhone camera? Feh. That thing is basically a built in evidence locator. That’s all I have to say on that.

Helen