alt title: earning validation is feeding a beast with an endless appetite
estimated reading time: 5-7 minutes
Let’s get the main message out of the way: yes I am alive, and I have a recital in less than two weeks. I sent a couple friends a poster and subsequently realized I hate my editing skills, so I slapped together another one in 30 minutes again.
Concerning the title of the email, if this feels like déjà vu to you, or you are thinking “Didn’t she just give a recital like a couple months ago?” I did in fact give my first doctoral recital on May 25, which consisted of 70 (but let’s be real, closer to 75) minutes of solo music. This recital is also 70 ish minutes of music, but the last piece on the program is a concerto, so it’s not totally solo. That means I went and memorized approximately 150 minutes of piano music this year alone, and if we’re including all the other music I’ve had to learn for short term or long term projects, that number is probably closer to…300. Sheesh.
The title of my recital is “act ii: the a & b side” because my program is split into two sections: the “A” section which contains all the popular composers, and the “B” section which contains all the underrepresented composers. I kinda hate that I started my recital naming conventions after Beyoncé’s Renaissance album trilogy because I’m not really a Beyoncé fan, but whatever, I’ve committed to the bit now.
That being said, everyone around me has been low key complaining that I’m giving them a hard time and they feel pressured by me because I’m working so hard, and I don’t blame them. This fall, I started my ‘service’ as the president of my university’s collegiate music teacher’s chapter, and put together a Halloween concert in less than a month. That means: picking the date and location, getting those dates approved, recruiting members to play in said concert, making posters and printing posters for promotion, designing stamp cards for kids to have activities, designing kid-friendly activities, buying candy, borrowing and buying decorations…the list goes on. The week of this concert was also the week I had a masterclass, and my pre-recital hearing, so I was really going through it. But alas, the time passed anyway, and things went fine.
Now, we’re only a couple days into November, and this past weekend I competed at my state’s college-level solo piano division in Portland. I got alternate (yippee), and my friend that drove me won. But after I got home, and waking up to an extra hour of sleep on Sunday, the blues settled in. I wasn’t mad that I got alternate - it was the best possible scenario for both of us. But I still felt like I wasn’t enough. Even after everything I’ve done this term, all the work I’ve done, I know I’m still gonna continue receiving rejection after rejection. I hate to say it, but it crushes my ego to be compared on such minute details, and getting passed on because you didn’t do X, Y, or Z, or because you don’t have the right connections at the right time is just…ugh. It’s not a good feeling. You start to think about other experiences, and you end up comparing your entire life’s success to these accolades that take up one line each on a resume.
But I know where I stand. Despite my hard work, and whatever natural talent I’ve garnered, I am at the mercy of other people’s opinions. I’ve made major sacrifices, and taken many risks, which have had varying levels of results. I have a hard time believing anyone would envy me, considering all the shit I’ve been through, and what I’ve put myself through. But I imagine it happens, because at some point, I’ve envied my friend’s successes. Not in an evil way, just in the normal human way of wanting what you don’t have. We’re all prone to feeling blue, and thankfully, feelings pass. But if I’m gonna feel blue, the least I can do is mix in some other emotional colors and get a nice palette going.
