estimated reading time: 9-10 minutes

Greetings from Rochester, NY!

I was so busy for all of October that I didn’t have time to sit down and write an actual message out (sorry about that!) I’m here for a few days because I’m here to present at a conference! If you recall this message, I briefly mentioned that I had my first solo conference acceptance and now it’s happening tomorrow! Here’s what’s on my mind:

I feel quite ready because I had a practice run doing a version of my presentation for my friend and colleague’s undergraduate music theory class. She’s teaching a class on women composers, and my research is on a woman composer, so it made sense for me to do a “trial lecture” before the real thing.

But I also feel dejected, because I expect there to be little to no audience members. I know of exactly one professor (whom I reached out to prior to the conference) who is attending. But I’m flying all the way from Oregon and I expect there to be a lot of empty seats. This is the reality of presenting in conferences: if you haven’t built up your network yet, you don’t have seats to fill. I don’t even know if I’m going to have a piano tomorrow to demonstrate on??? I sure hope I do. But I have a plan in case I don’t. I’m over-preparing and downloading everything in case the wifi’s bad. We’ll see how it goes.

The conference in question is the Context Conference, which is a small education and performance based music conference at the Eastman School of Music. Fun fact: when I was applying for undergraduate schools, I applied to 6 schools. Eastman was one of them. And it was the one school that rejected me.

Oh, how the tables turn :)

Another fun fact is that I submitted this proposal to 2 different conferences and this was the one that accepted. The other one that didn’t accept was the MTNA National Conference in 2026 - HOWEVER, I submitted a second proposal for a group project and that one got in, so take that. That project was a 3-person group, and because other members of my Executive Board wanted to go to the conference (but missed the presentation deadline), I helped them submit a research poster instead. And that one got accepted too! I’m very proud of my big team and I’m glad we could min-max the hell out of this conference - now the real hustle starts (applying for grant money to cover trip expenses + actually doing the presenting).

The ironic thing is, I can’t enjoy my success because the moment I log onto Instagram, all that is washed away. We know this: social media is diabolical for creating feeds that show you exactly how successful your friends are: all their cool trips, concerts, and career opportunities. But I know part of this is also my brain not being nice to me, so I’m working on ways to combat the “mental meanies.”

Now to address the second part of the title. As I approach graduation, everyone wants to know “What are you going to do after you graduate?” And my prepared answer is that I’m going to continue teaching, because that’s what makes me money, and apply for higher ed jobs. However, we all know the job market is dumpy dookie bad, and I’m not fiending to move to a random state to teach at some random college. There’s this dangerous implication I see a lot in the academic field, where people sacrifice quite a bit in order to secure tenure. Like, why must I apply to every job I see, if it’s not something I actually want to do? Or if it’s in BFE (bum f**k Egypt), and I have no desire to live rurally. They see long-term job security as this magical thing, and if you “climb the ladder” fair and square, you’ll get what you deserve. But we’ve seen now how people are exploiting wage gaps and the decline in funding academia. As my colleague said to me on a walk to a concert: “There is no good time to graduate, but it is an especially bad time to enter.”

I like teaching. I would love to teach lecture based classes or studio lessons. But I don’t feel like I can convince people in the traditional job interview setting, that I am a good candidate. I get comments all the time from family, advisors, about my inapproachable and cold demeanor. But you know, I feel like it’s high time for me to pursue a side quest. And what I mean by that, is I want to get a job that’s not directly related to teaching or performing.

I’ve learned over the past 2-3 years that I really really love business, and the art of negotiation and leadership. I also love event planning, booking places, and arranging places for people to come together. I love designing, I love gathering the right people for a project, and seeing it be received successfully. My actual dream right now is to have 2 jobs: an easy-ish hybrid or remote corporate job that pays the major expenses, and my studio teaching/church musician service jobs to help me have enough money to save up for traveling and retirement. Is that a pipe dream in this economy? Yeah. But I’ve already given up on a lot of the classic American dreams. Let me have a side quest at least.

When I finish my last term of classes and transition into research mode, I will also gain the time to start fully applying for jobs. Much like tomorrow’s presentation, I’m not expecting much. But I have a history of marching into new places with zero connections, establishing a base of friends, and doing some damn cool work. I don’t seem to attract people in the traditional sense. I apparently attract people by being my own weirdo self, and letting others discover me like I’m a lost gem.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow (by the time this is sent, my presentation will have already happened so feel free to text me to ask how it went!)

Helen