estimated reading time: 5-7 minutes

Happy Holidays all,

After finishing my last term of coursework EVER (!!!), I have been slowly winding down my last week of teaching as we approach the end of the year.

If I were to sum up what this year has been in one word, it would be: surprising. There was a lot of personal lore developed this year. Perhaps too much for my liking, but the time has passed anyway. Coincidentally this was the first year in which I did not spend my NYE at home with my family - I normally would either watch the clock strike midnight and go to bed immediately, or fall asleep way before the time change and wake up feeling groggy, but mentally invigorated. Choosing to spend it with friends has led to maybe one of the most friend-filled years of my adult life so far, which in some ways was fantastic, and in other ways, very much the opposite.

Since I’m flying back to Oregon before NYE, I will likely be starting 2026 alone in my apartment, which will also be a first for me. I wonder if this will have further meaning down the line: will my next year be more isolating than ever? Or will I finally step up and actually invite people in my life that want to stay?

This idea of “getting people to stay” has been weighing heavy on my mind for a while. In fact, I’ve found myself feeling more insecure this year than I have in previous years, despite my career flourishing fairly well. I have no reason to be feeling insecure, but external factors (people’s actions, my own devils of comparison, and the internet) have led me to having more than a couple breakdowns.

Something that both helped me and hinder me was to read essays written by other people who were feeling the same things I was feeling. This led to me floating around on Substack - the #1 email newsletter platform. When I created this newsletters two years ago, I deliberately did not want to use Substack because I did not want to download another app and have another reason to doomscroll on my phone. Substack is a place where you can find a beautifully written essay about yearning, or the human condition, followed by three of the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life. But at least the way they craft their takes is interesting, and somewhat thought out. It certainly beats reading engagement bait on Twitter or Meta-adjacent platforms.

I read Substack posts for two reasons: finding good recipes, and finding the occasional essay on some niche topics I personally don’t write about, but have interest in. What frustrates me about the platform is the incessant need to monetize everything: if I can’t read a single thing an author has because it’s all behind a subscription-model paywall, I have no interest in it. At least from my time in academia, I’ve found that the best academics are the ones who don’t gatekeep the majority of their findings. People who are genuinely passionate about what they do just want to share it freely, with no care for financial compensation. Those who seek compensation (at least on this platform) are often masking mediocre writing, questionable grammar, and the same damn thumbnails. It’s either some AI-generated bullshit picture, or a screenshot of a 19th century painting featuring women in various states of socialization.

That being said, here are a few Substack articles I have personally found a lot of value in, that have helped me cope with my blues.

“I remember this one time, God, it feels like it was just yesterday, but it was years ago now. I was in this relationship/friendship, and I knew deep down that it wasn’t right. Every time I looked at that person, I felt a distance between us. Not just physically, but emotionally. There was this coldness, this lack of connection that I couldn’t ignore anymore. And yet, I stayed. I stayed because I didn’t want to be the one to walk away. I didn’t want to be the person who couldn’t make it work. I didn’t want to feel like I failed. So I told myself, maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow, we’ll figure it out.

But every tomorrow felt the same.” - This sums up a lot of what I’ve been feeling the past few months. But it’s also a chilling read for those who have difficulty leaving tough relationships. I consider myself a person who does not take mistreatment lightly, but I am not immune to the sunken cost fallacy of relationships.

“Choice feminism works in tandem with adjacent philosophies to form a complex set of “ideologies” which can even sustain internal contradictions: “Live and let live,” “mind your business,” and the especially vile “omg let people enjoy things!” have all seamlessly worked together to fragment our society into a billion individual consumer choices, each equally worthy and unassailable as the next.”

Warning: this article contains extremely strong language about the state of plastic surgery and the beauty industrial complex. But it is a fascinating read if you have the time to sit down and digest what women have had to endure to be seen. Father_Karine also has a lot of other humorous essays on sex and life - they’re a fun read.

“Proximity also does not always equal intimacy. A lot of times, we think that because someone is always around, always available, always saying yes, that this constitutes closeness. But real friendship is about choosing and being chosen, repeatedly, even when it’s inconvenient. […] I just began to gradually categorize who is genuinely interested in being a good friend to me, and who is willing to set aside time to work things out on the remix the minute things get rough.”

Two recipes for pasta salad that aren’t your typical pasta salads. I have made the godfather OG salad and I have to say: it was absolutely worth it.

Here’s what I will say: reading about other people’s sad feelings will create an echo chamber that I don’t recommend staying in for too long. But for me, it helps when I don’t reside in my mind too much. When I read, I am able to silence my internal monologue and focus on what the other person is saying, and that grounds me faster than trying to talk myself out of a feedback loop.

I look forward to next year. I have many plans for what I want to implement in my life: goals, hobbies, and career advancements. For now, what I can say is this: I want to read more, write more, and be more human. I want to consume less, and not lose myself in the vacuum of the artificial machine.

Hope y’all have a lovely ending to the year,

Helen