estimated reading time: 8-10 minutes

Bold words = definitions below, to save you a google search <3

Hi everyone,

The last month was a whirlwind of activity, hence no newsletter. I had some concerts I organized/played in, I went to Chicago to present research in front of a bunch of music teachers…overall, I’m doing quite well in my career. I also finished up my first draft of my lecture document (aka big paper/dissertation), so after churning out 85 pages (!) in 10 weeks, I was pretty exhausted.

That being said, I haven’t grown tired of writing about music. I have an interesting relationship to pop music — that is to say, my taste is very very specific. I didn’t grow up with an entirely isolated musical existence: while I primarily listened to classical music and film/tv soundtracks at home, I would hear the top 40 hits of the time at school. When I gained access to the Internet, YouTube would be my primary discovery vehicle as I learned what chart-topping hits were.

The first artist I really gravitated towards as a child was Lady Gaga. I played her “Telephone” music video on loop, and I loved “Judas” and “Bad Romance.” I haven’t always followed her music religiously, but her combination of artistry, music production, and lyrics spoke to me in ways that I wouldn’t understand until later on in my adult life. When she released her jazz album with Tony Bennett, I then understood that what drew me towards her, is that she couldn’t stay in one genre. Her talent was so immense, it couldn’t be contained within one simple box.

But this isn’t about Lady Gaga — truthfully, I couldn’t write deeply about her music for reasons that won’t be stated today. This brings me to the two powerhouses I’ve been thinking about lately. Laufey and RAYE are two wildly successful musicians making huge waves in the music industry. I enjoy both of their sounds in different ways, and this essay is really just a way for me to convince you to give their music a listen, if you want to get to know me a bit better. It’s your choice though, I know this music isn’t for everyone.

I first heard of Laufey through my sister, who has gone to a few of her tours. I listened to her Bewitched album, and of the track list, I fell in love with “Second Best.” Thankfully I found this song after I had gone through several limerence-induced depressive episodes, so I didn’t latch onto it with fervor. I latched onto it with the feeling “I recognize this, and I recognize you. And I’m glad you made the music that spoke the unspoken words of my heart.”

When I read Laufey’s biography, I had a mini lightbulb-moment as to why my sister is so attracted to her music. And why people were raving about her to me, specifically. I see a lot of myself in her: we’re both half Chinese/half white musicians, around the same age, and we were identified as having a high level of musicality very young. We trained at higher education facilities in music, and music is our job now (albeit, in wildly different realms. I’m not even going to pretend I have the same level of talent as her or RAYE. I’m not that delusional bro). But as I read on, I felt the disconnect began to settle in. Laufey is an incredibly accomplished multi-instrumentalist, almost intimidatingly so. I didn’t feel like I was competing with her (because I believe myself to be leagues below her), but I felt a bit of sadness. I can’t say it was envy, because I don’t really wish to be her. But in a brief, slightly narcissistic moment, I imagined that she was living the life that my mother wanted me to live. She is living the life of a mainstream artist, she has the Grammys and the sold-out tours to prove it. And she deserves it, 100%. Her success is a win for us mixed race baddies 🙂

I also listened to her most recent album A Matter of Time, and I looped “Forget-Me-Not” until I got sick of it. I really liked this part of the song:

“Love you forever, don't let go of me

I left my own homeland to chase reverie

Gleymdu mér aldrei þó ég héðan flýg

Gleymdu mér aldrei, elskan mín”

When she sings in Icelandic, CHILLS. But I found as I paid attention to the lyrics that they were…lacking the substance I had hoped for. It felt a little…Taylor Swift-esque towards the end? Which I don’t say lightly. What I just mean is that the topics she was covering felt slightly generic. I could hear through certain songs where her artistry came through, but it wasn’t present entirely. It’s not that her music isn’t substantial, but rather, it’s very delicate and feminine. It appeals to a lover-girl aesthetic that I occasionally resonate with. But I have a wilder side of me that is not as explored, which is where RAYE comes in.

I first learned about RAYE through the clip of her song “WHERE IS MY HUSBAND!” that went viral on TikTok. I remember thinking to myself “Wow, this is a fun catchy song. And she’s singing while rapping. I’m impressed.” Then, her single “Click Clack Symphony (ft. Hans Zimmer)” dropped. Of course, I knew I had to listen because that kind of collaboration is not seen often. I’m not even the biggest Zimmer fan, but I knew whatever he was cooking…I needed to hear it.

When I put my headphones on and listened to it in the airport waiting for my flight to Chicago, I was in complete shock. Zimmer’s orchestral sweeps grabbed me in, immediately. I couldn’t even hear the words RAYE was singing, because the tempo was just fast enough for me to not latch onto phrases. I was just immersed in the entire sonic landscape, and I left completely rattled. During the flight, and my return flight back, I listened to the three songs available (Click Clack Symphony, WHERE IS MY HUSBAND, and Nightingale Lane) on her then-upcoming album THIS MUSIC MAY CONTAIN HOPE. I looped it until I came home, and then didn’t listen to it again until doing a full album listening.

Once I took a look at the lyrics, I was even more enthralled. Do you know how many songs are out there that talk about girlbossing and girl power? There’s a lot of shit to wade through, disrespectfully speaking. I know a fun girl song when I see one, but this isn’t it. This takes the concept of female friendships seriously. I’ll copy part of the song here for you to read so you know what I’m talking about:

“Though this season of her life had been cold, lonely and tough

Though she slipped back into a darkness she had hoped by now to have overcome

She had learned a beautiful lesson

And she kissed her girls goodbye and thanked them for getting her out the house

That maybe everything was going to be alright.”

Today, I saw a clip on IG of her singing live with the Royal Albert Hall. It encouraged me to go and view all the live performance videos of that concert that is recorded in the album My 21st Century Symphony. I was crying the entire time. Not sobbing, but just a stream of tears, muttering “Damn!” about every song. RAYE’s onstage persona is really something else. I think one thing her and Laufey have in common is they don’t rely on heavily choreographed/theatrical shows that a lot of other pop artists do. I like that about them, and I also like that they sing about beauty standards and how bullshit they are.

After I listened to the live album, I went back and finally did my first dive into THIS ALBUM MAY CONTAIN HOPE. My one nitpick would be some songs broke the fourth wall a little too many times. I don’t love hearing a song start with “This song is about ___” but I understand it’s a reference to singing live. She sings in the studio with the same level of care she puts into her live performance. And I can respect that. My favorite songs are in the first quarter, from “I Will Overcome” to “Click Clack Symphony.” But DAMN, “I Hate the Way I Look Today” and “Joy” are catchy as hell!

My thing about commercial music stars is that I am attracted to talent, always. When I listen to a singer, I’m not listening to the lyrics. I’m listening to the quality of their voice, I’m listening to the harmonies, the melody, and how the song comes together. I don’t have a lot of experience with music production, but I can at least aurally identify simple uses of voice modulation software (autotune and melodyne are I think the easiest ones all folks can hear). I care about production in the way I care about editing, because I think the team is just as important as the musician onstage. We wouldn’t be where we are without people in the back (shoutout backstage people!)

Laufey and RAYE speak to different sides of me as a musician. On the piano, I think I embody RAYE more naturally than I embody Laufey. I struggle to be delicate and feminine, despite being comfortable in my every day femininity. When I am playing the piano, I am proud that my body is deceptively powerful. I can produce sounds at a level most can only dream of. And I’ve heard it my entire life: I have a body that musicians envy, because of my ability to command presence without saying a word. When my notes cut through a room, they cut with the precision of the thousands of hours I spent training for this moment. And I make it look easy, because truthfully, it is 🙂 and I love being able to do that.

But when I am able to embrace warmth and lyricism, something magical does happen. To be delicate is to be vulnerable for me, and when I show vulnerability, I notice an energy shift in the room. It’s as if everyone’s waiting with bated breath to see what I do next. And I love that, when I’m able to channel that energy successfully (keyword being successful. I usually flop real hard LMAO).

Something I love about both Laufey and RAYE is that they engage with classical music, and thus don’t fit neatly within the pop label. Laufey is famously jazz-forward first, with classical and pop elements folded within. If I were to characterize her music as a dessert, it would be a pavlova. Airy, but it requires deep knowledge of technique to appreciate the work behind creating a successful meringue base. RAYE plays around more with soul, RNB, and rock but when she brings an orchestra behind her, she makes the large ensemble feel like one huge moving part. As a dessert, she’d be a dark chocolate gelato. Less air, but simplicity in the bittersweet flavor.

As a lover, I think I lean a little closer towards Laufey, but it’s a tight race. Maybe the best way to describe it is that I present as Laufey, but deep inside, I am RAYE. I have many layers of Laufey-colored love inside me to give. But if someone can get me to show my inner RAYE, they’re doing something right.

You can clearly tell I have a bias towards RAYE at the moment, but you know what, it’s aight. I can’t go see her tour because it’s not anywhere close to me (sad), but I also don’t really do stadium shows. For now, I quietly enjoy the music in my home where I’m comfortable.

Hope you enjoyed this — Helen

Limerence = the mental state of being madly in love or intensely infatuated when reciprocation of the feeling is uncertain.